Revising me

I guess the first thing I should do here is give you an update on the healthy living commitment and follow through with discussing the things I am doing and the struggles that come with it the way I outlined in my last blog post. Depression and stress are not the friend of those of us dealing with eating disorders and working to become healthier with our habits… let’s just get that out there, shall we?
There is much going on in my life and though I really do not have much to complain about on the whole, there are a few things that have kicked me in the pants and caused some stress and depression within the last month or so. For me, this translates into “grazing” if I do not keep myself busy and my mind thoroughly occupied. I do not eat huge amounts of food and I am generally still careful about the kind of food I eat, but the “grazing” thing puts me off my plan. Often, if I am in the wrong headspace, I will do this even while consciously realizing that I am screwing up. So now I am looking for ways to derail this nasty habit.
One thing is simply changing the grazing foods to veggies or healthy foods with little calorie intake and no carbs. Though this strategy is helpful, it can still be dangerous not to mention expensive. Mowing through an acre of fresh zucchini or asparagus in a day is simply not cost effective. Another solution I am finding works rather well is drinking kefir water and kombucha tea. They are both really good for the gut, minimal on the sugar, act as excellent substitutes for soda (for those of us who are recovering soda addicts…which is so me), and they are surprisingly filling. Whatever works, right?
So that takes care of a quick update on the whole “my personal health trials” thing. I feel like I need to do some deep searching for self actualization here and revamp my outlook on what I am doing and how I should approach it. I have explained my reasoning for starting my business but was presented with a question, or idea, through reading another blog today that got me thinking. My life passion and my intellectual interest revolve around environment, maximizing what creates an ideal environment for both the body and the mind, and making that practice as earth friendly and life friendly as possible. I am passionate about preserving this planet and finding ways to make life “greener”. My business fits into all of this but I think I am selling myself short in a way. I have focused on what everyone says I should focus on in my need to help others and the planet. I still want to do all that. I just think I should also find a way to really incorporate my focus, education, and passion into getting that done. If I can figure out how to execute that correctly, it would seriously benefit my business as well. The psychology of environment and the sustainable methods of creating the ideal environment are part and parcel of my business. The complete wellness home is touted as the absolute epitome of the products we have, and it truly is.
I am using my little forum here as a sounding board and thinking through this problem “out loud” so I can wrap my brain around exactly what I feel needs to change. Maybe I should simply focus more on my perspective when working my business and come at the whole process from my personal, even if it may sound skewed, angle. Hmmm… I must think more on this. I will keep you all updated.

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We fell off the planet

I realize that blogging is supposed to be done on a regular basis and that keeping your content and presence consistent is huge in gathering and keeping readers. We have been fairly terrible at this for the last couple of months. Holidays are always crazy busy for us and we added several family illnesses and a couple of surgeries to the mix this year… just cus…yanno… we needed a change.

One of the things I am working on this year (I am not good at resolutions so I set goals and state intentions) is making sure that we get some good quality content going here and get our posting done on a more regular basis. It is not only part of a business building strategy, it is a personal improvement goal and that means more at this point for me. Blogging helps me clear my thought processes and get my brain aligned with the things I really want to accomplish in life. It is as much an exercise for my personal benefit as it is an attempt to put information out there that might help someone else.

One of the things I have been seriously considering is tracking and journaling my food habit changes. This is a sensitive thing for me because my weight and food have been problems throughout my life. I have been doing well with healthier eating, actually losing weight steadily since using the Vital Balance, and am working on an exercise regimen simply because I want to feel better. My worry centers around the fear that I will start to fixate on my weight. Putting myself out in the public like that is scary. First, I will have to talk about being a recovering bulimic and compulsive over-eater. The bulimia has not been a problem for quite a few years now but I know that if I get hyper-focused on my weight or appearance, the thoughts come up. I have the compulsive overeating under control because I have learned to listen to my body and not my mind when it comes to food, though I still struggle with comfort foods. Tracking and journaling my eating habits and the changes in my health would be good for me so I have to overcome the fear about fixating. I have to have faith in my ability to myself out of that mental loop and change those pathways. I am also hoping that my journey can help someone else. So I have to put on my big girl britches and do what I have been contemplating for months. Maybe I am also a little afraid of being so publicly accountable? Another hurdle to jump.

With all of that spilled out there, I hope everyone does wonderfully with their resolutions, goals, intentions, or whatever mode you operate under. Belated though it may be, we here at Total Life Symmetry wish all of you everywhere a joyous, wonderful, bountiful, and abundant New Year. Aho.

My Monday

Pardon the possible rambling and incoherent nature of this post because I am on very little sleep and a tad bit of migraine meds…heh. I just finished my paper…can’t wait to see how that turns out (though strangely my migraine meds have turned out a few perfect grade papers for me…go figure). Got my tunes in my ears and was finishing up email checks and status updates so thought I would get in a post before closing out and finding something less potentially life threatening to occupy the rest of my day. 

Storm, myself, and our brood are doing pretty well. We finally got all the right stuff to get his shot on Saturday and he is happy. Who would have ever thunk my husband would be happy about getting poked with a needle that had nothing to do with a tattoo? Just goes to show ya huh? We have also started selling Avon in an attempt to bring in a little extra money and hopefully work toward his surgery. I really wish I could just poof the money to get it done for him. It would go so far towards making his happy absolute bliss. I think the top surgery is the only real complaint he has left in regards to his confidence in his appearance and I would give damn near anything to make it happen for him. We are working on it though.

Back to original thought, um, wow to freaking Avon. Yeah, I am a representative and all and trying to make money but aside from all that and in total seriousness, have you checked them out lately?? My favorite perfume is from Avon, so is my mother’s, so I have always kind of kept up regarding those products. But I was seriously surprised at how much rocking cute stuff and awesome makeup they offer these days. I have made the occasional purchase of something besides my perfume (Imari Seduction…freaking love that stuff) but had not clue they had gotten so diverse and up to date with some of their stuff. They have some of the cutest and hottest shoes now!! Granted, I can’t wear those kinds of heels anymore but that doesn’t stop me from lusting after them. My daughters got hold of the magazine and were all kinds of whining about their wish list. I just don’t remember it being this cool before…but maybe I just wasn’t paying attention. I also like that they are seriously involved in causes like breast cancer, domestic violence awareness, and are on the list equality supporting businesses. Storm actually suggested we try it and, as usual, my husband is brilliant. Now I just have to try to keep from ordering everything I see and eating up any possibility of an income…lol.

OH OH OH…and the nail stuff!!!! Yes…I am a girl…deal. I ordered one of those press on nail design thingies cus I wanna see how they work. I will let you guys know. I will also leave attaching some kind of link or something to this for my husband because I am not currently mentally fit to do so. And I see he has the new Magic game up on the Xbox and I loveeee (yeah, so I am a geek too? got a problem? deal.) that game. I also rock at it. Jussayin.

Happy Monday to everyone and I hope my nonsensical rambling didn’t cause anyone else a migraine. Tootles.

Taking time 2

So my previous post got cut a little short…well, maybe not short but abruptly ended. I was in the middle of a rant about my weight and was called to dinner…lol. Anyway, the point I was getting to and haven’t made is that this prejudice on the fat thing is something that has impacted me on a very tangible level lately. I having been working on making myself more marketable in the job hunt because I have been out of work for far too long. Part of that is the economy here. Part of it is being in a niche where I am overqualified for a lot of work in this town and underqualified for the rest. I am working on that too. I will graduate with my Master’s degree in November of this year. In the meantime, the few positions that I have applied for and do get a callback or interview opportunity for always seem to take the same turn. Believe it or not, this is not paranoia talking. I can see the look on people’s faces as soon as I walk into a room. I get the once over from head to toe and can literally feel and see the instant dismissal that comes with my appearance. I am clean and well dressed. I am always careful to be conservative and professional. That dismissal comes with the realization that the person that looks so good on paper does not fit their ideal in person. I am not hideous, though I don’t necessarily consider myself pretty. I am presentable and there is nothing jarring about my appearance other than my weight. 

Most people will read this and pfft that this is an excuse or it is my way of justifying flubbing an interview. I can’t guarantee that you would be wrong in thinking that but I know that look when I get it. I have been seeing it on people’s faces for as long as I can remember. Any time I have been given the opportunity to prove myself, I have done well in any position I have been given. I work my ass off for those who will let me. But getting in the door is always the hardest part and I honestly feel that a huge part of this is the immediate perception that fat equals lazy. Another big clue is that when I have gotten a job, those I have worked for have always seemed surprised out how hard I can work and how well I do in the beginning. I don’t feel like I am putting this out there the right way, but I know what I feel.

This reaction to my weight has also given me a bit of agoraphobia as I have gotten older. I hate meeting new people. I hate being out in social situations and feeling as though I am attracting attention. I am hoping that the more I work on these issues and spell them out for myself, the better I will get about this. I sometimes feel like I make life harder for those around me because of the hangups I have about being in social situations. My kids have managed pretty well and I always bite the bullet on the big stuff for them, but I don’t even like doing their school events and such because of that reaction from the masses. 

I think part of what I may be trying to say here is that for those of you who are not fat, think before you act. That nasty face or snide comment doesn’t always go unnoticed. You may think you have the right to be ugly to others on this front if weight is not an issue for you, but seriously consider your own shit before making fun of someone else’s. We are not all doll pretty. We are not all perfectly dressed. We are not all perfectly built. If those are the standards you judge others by, then maybe you need to get an internal mirror. There is a hell of a lot more ugly on the inside of most people than you ever see on the exterior. Figuring out if someone is worth your time and effort should be based on the personality, not the packaging. I think I am done with this now.

Taking the time

I have the hardest time keeping up with blogs. Part of the problem is that I simply have a busy life and often don’t take time to update stuff. Hell, facebook doesn’t even see much from me anymore. I get online to do my schoolwork and go through email and that about covers it. I often feel that this routine means I am neglecting other things I should keep up with but I have so much going on that I just say the hell with it.

Another part is this need I have to make sure whatever I write here is interesting and insightful to other people. Thankfully, I got a wakeup call from a post a dear friend of mine put in her diary. Bottom line: Yes, I want those few who read this to be interested enough to not nod off before finishing a post. But this blog is really about me having a place to throw stuff out there and vent when I need to. That is always easier for me to do in print than it is in person. I always feel I have to be careful about what I write because I do not want to offend those who may read this and I have a blunt and harsh nature. Again, that is bullshit and I need to own the fact that not everyone is going to like what I have to say all of the time. I don’t hold it against others when they feel the need to vent and if they decide to do so with whatever pops up here, that is on them and has nothing to do with me. This is my space and I need to take it back so it can serve its function. In other words, if something hits you the wrong way or you feel it is personal, chalk it up to shit happens and go from there. Selfish, I know, but oh well.

I have been doing very well in most aspects of my life and have little to complain about most days. I have a wonderful husband (or he will be when the freaking country gets a grip or we pull enough money to make him appear the way the rest of the world thinks he should) who I adore and I can honestly say I am adored in return. I have wonderful kids…they are kids and they can get on my last damn nerve…but they are mine and overall they are freaking awesome. I have a house and yard I love and it offers me an outlet that lets me get close to the earth and take the therapy that offers (it is very calming and zen space for me to do yard work…go figure). I even have great furbabies that I adore (even when I want to kill em). So…what the hell could I have to complain about or get depressed over? Believe it or not, plenty.

Though again, thank you Melly, one of the biggest things in my life that causes depression and discontent for me is slowly losing its power to bring me down. I am a fat girl. Yes, Melly, I said fat and took it back instead of fluffing it. My husband will be pissed because he hates it when I say that and it is a term that has been banned from our house because of the power to hurt that it has always held for me. I also have to agree that fat is the last acceptable prejudice in this country. I could make the argument for that being directed at the LGBT community, especially since I am a part of it, but the LGBT community at least has the benefit of an entire movement trying to fight the stigma that comes with those labels. Fat people aren’t so lucky. It is perfectly acceptable to have an issue with fat people . It is something that we have control over and something we do to ourselves right? Fat automatically means lazy too right? Some big ole hideous porker continually shoving food in their face right?

So very fucking wrong. People can think what they like. Fat I may be but I am not lazy. I get out and work like a dog in my yard and sweat balls on a regular basis. I am the one everyone else in the house is bitching at to quit and call it done because I am soaked with sweat, been working for hours, and seriously it is time to quit for the day. Any one of my kids and most of my family would agree with this. I don’t have time to sit around and shove food in my face all day, even if I wanted to. You won’t find a bunch of junk and candy and “bad for you” shit in my house…I have kids. I want them healthy. I have a husband with diabetes who hates needles and that means his diabetes needs to stay diet controlled. It is. Successfully. For years now. I like having the energy to do what I need to do and at least a little of what I want to do. I don’t like feeling icky and gross inside, which is what that crap does to me. So we eat healthy. Still, I am fat. And not a little pudgy or chubby or pleasantly plump people…BIG girl here. Why? I have no freaking clue. I have always…and I mean always…been fat. Never a day in my life have I been think or even average. It just is what it is. I do the best I can to stay as healthy as I can and try desperately to shrug off the rest. I am a recovering bulimic and have been on every diet known to man. None of it works. I don’t like it when I think about but hey…just the way it is.

I have to get out of here so this rant is going to end here…but I have to give a huge thank you to my husband…the love of my life…for making me feel adored and sexy and helping me get my self confidence back no matter how hard anyone else tries to knock me down. I love you Storm. I love you too, Melly. Thanks for the wakeup.

How attached we are…

So, I read my husband’s blog this morning and can I just say, I so freaking adore the man? He posted about our St. Baldrick’s event and how successful it was and how proud he is of the women in his life. I am so grateful to have him. Then I started feeling guilty…

See, I did make that promise to my daughter and because she is one of the bravest kids I know, I absolutely had to come through for her on this. If I am really honest though, the aftermath has hit me ridiculously hard. I know it is stupid, I tell myself it is stupid, and I feel like an idiot, but I seriously miss my hair. I don’t know if it is some kind of identity thing or if I feel like I no longer have a way to hide my face or exactly what the problem is. The bald look (though there is already an inch or so on there) soooo does not work for me. My husband thinks I am beautiful and that should cure the insecurity right? I am finding not so much. I swear I think I have been in mourning for a couple of weeks now. I also have to be honest enough to admit that though the cause is wonderful and I will do whatever I can to help raise money at our yearly events, I am never shaving my head again. I don’t know why, but somehow my sense of femininity seems to have been seriously tied up with my hair and I feel ugly and manly without it. I did admit that I knew this was stupid…I just can’t seem to help it.

What makes it even worse is that I can look at my daughter, who had such long and thick hair that her donation had to be done with two braids, one on either side, and all I think is how damn pretty she is with her head shaved. She is one of those girls that just has that face that seems to become even more beautiful when there is nothing to frame it. My oldest daughter looked the same way when she did hers last year. Why is it that I can see nothing but beauty in them and nothing but ugly in me?

Frankly, I think it is just years of training. My husband touched briefly on my mother, a serious drama source and often a font of stress for us, so I will just say that growing up with her was not a picnic. I have been told so often and for so long that I wasn’t attractive that anything that messes with my sense of security (i.e. long hair to help make me feminine) just seems to wreck my self esteem.

The absolute worst is that I know all this. I am a lifelong student of psychology. I am aware of the reasons and the thinking patterns and how to work to try to change them. I am trying. It just really pisses me off to realize how hard it seems to be for me to work through something this damn idiotic. It is just hair. It grows back. It has absolutely nothing to do with the person I am and means nothing to the relationships I value. So, what the hell?

Anyway, things are going well for us on most fronts. Our oldest is home from college for the summer and the baby will be out of school soon too. Then that madness can begin. I will keep you all informed.